Hi, it’s me, your resident serial (not cereal) dater. I live my life on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, The League, Coffee Meets Bagel, ForeverLonely, you name it. (The last one I just made up, but it sounded real, didn’t it?) I’m not famous enough to be on Raya, and I won’t be saying OK to Cupid to take the wheel in my dating life, but otherwise I try to stay active on the apps.
I share this to back up what I’m about to pitch: “The Breakfast Promise,” a foolproof (and delicious) method for determining your date’s true intentions.
Breakfast Promise (noun): Following a date/hookup, one party suggests having breakfast during an overnight stay together. By discussing the meal during an overnight stay, the person is obligated to see through said breakfast. Breakfast herein denotes a degree of seriousness in the relationship moving forward after the date finishes. This agreement is an entry-level form of defining the relationship, and should be treated with the seriousness of such.
In other words: If they don’t do breakfast with you, they don’t want to do life with you.
I’ll provide an anecdote of a Breakfast Promise gone bad. I was seeing this guy—let’s call him Dan*. When we matched, I screened him. Studies have shown you can deduce what type of person your prospective date is with these three easy questions: 1) Do you like Imagine Dragons?, 2) How do you feel about traveling?, and 3) Avocado toast: Hot or not?
After failing the first two questions (“yes,” and “don’t like it”), Dan and I found ourselves on the same page with avocado toast: It’s a little overrated. Avocados may as well be covered with gold dust at the prices they’re charging! But I digress. The detail that confirmed he was worthy of a date was when he mentioned that he’s purchased the Bonne Maman advent calendar (which contains 24 mini jars of jam) every December since he could remember. I made a joke that “I’d be his Lady Marmalade anytime, if you know what I mean!” but it fell absolutely flat.
Still, our first date went swimmingly. We checked out a cocktail bar, talked about our hopes and dreams, and moved to a second location. I could write a different article about how moving from bar-to-bar has promise, but breakfast is what we’re focusing on here, so let me get to my point.
After drinking some more, he came home with me. As we finished our PG-13 makeout sesh, Dan asked, “So, where’s the best breakfast sandwich around here?” I gave my Eater-worthy opinion (not to brag, but my Google Maps review of this place has more than 500 views, so somebody is influencing over here and that somebody is me), and the game was set. I spent the night tossing and turning, wondering whether we were actually going to brunch like a couple. We woke up and, alarmingly, Dan told me he had to catch a train to the Chicago suburbs “to visit fam.” This was clearly a lie, because his family lives on the East Coast, according to my three-hour deep dive into his social media accounts.
With crushed dreams, I spent the whole next day thinking about the Breakfast Promise, analyzing with my friends, finding any loopholes in my perfectly logical agreement, and placing bets on whether I would see him again. Slowly, after listening to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” about 14 times too many, I stood up for myself and realized he definitively broke the Breakfast Promise, and that we do not stand for that in this family! Yes, I’ve adopted you, the reader, into this family.
The next day my phone vibrated with a text notification from Dan. “So I don’t know about you, I was tired all day yesterday!” he wrote, seemingly unaware of the promise he hadn’t kept.
I should have replied: “Well buddy, maybe you should have started your day right by eating a hearty breakfast with me! That breakfast sandwich you missed out on is perfectly composed of enough carbs, protein, and fat to give anyone the fuel to get through the day without a slump. It’s so energetic you don’t even need coffee! Yeah, it’s that magical … and YOU MISSED OUT!”
Instead, I kept it cool. “Oh yeah? Hope you had a fun time with the fam!” I replied.
He may or may not have come over before our second official date—a lady never tells—but while he was planning our night out, I was gearing up for another breakfast opportunity. While most women’s priorities are shaving their whole bodies and worrying about the three-date rule, I’m built differently. Instead, I wanted to make sure I staged my fridge so perfectly that he wouldn’t just fall in love with me and my artisanal choices—he would also uphold his Breakfast Promise. I stocked up on bacon, eggs, a nice nutty oat bread, and hipster coffee (he mentioned in passing that he loved a special chicory cold brew, and I responded accordingly). I wanted so much to be Ina Garten cooking for Jeffrey … or, I mean, Dan.
We got to dinner, and let me tell you, when a guy asks, “Can we just order the whole toast menu?” he sure sounds like a keeper. I didn’t even have to hint, he just brought it up on his own! We ate a lot of toast, skipped mains, split a bottle of wine, and then saw a show. Afterwards, he came over to spend the night.
The next morning, I was ready. When he mentioned he was hungry, I could feel the plan coming together. I started to open the fully stocked fridge and nonchalantly suggested I could make my killer homemade breakfast sandwiches.
What I didn’t know was that Dan was a Bills fan, and it was Sunday. Apparently the boys watch football, and let me tell you, he acted like a boy when he chose to leave that incredible breakfast sandwich behind. A man would stay! All I could hope for was that he suffered a tragic loss (I hear the Bills are bad … like really-they-lose-all-the-time bad). We texted back and forth a bit after that, but I got the impression we were never going to have a proper breakfast together after he thumbs-upped a selfie that was hotter than bacon straight out of the skillet. I haven't seen him since.
And there you have it—a tale of a Breakfast Promise broken, and a relationship that had no future. So learn from me, ladies: If you focus on defining the breakfast situation early, you may just find yourself smooth-sailing to a confirmed situationship. Otherwise, you risk continuing to wade through a sea of useless breakfuccbois.
*Names have not been changed since Dan broke this off via text like a man-child and still owes me breakfast. So if you’re seeing this, Dan, Venmo @cristinavanko for that breakfast dough!
This piece was written for my buddy
’s breakfast journal, . Think Reader’s Digest…but make it breakfast. It’s a wonderful indie publication full of fun essays, photography, and illustrations. So pick up a copy, make a brunch res and read to your heart’s desire. It goes great with a side of pancakes btw. Check it out here.And for my Chicago readers that were wondering what the Eater opinion actually says, here you go! My award probably goes to Kasama, but I hear Allez Cafe is incredible from my foodie friend
!xoxo…or peace love and pancakes,
cv
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