I think we can all agree dating is weird these days. You hop on an app, window shop for a human, match with a cutie, and then hope you’ll elevate small talk to medium talk to ultimately lead to that magical date. But the peanut gallery that is the internet (and maybe even your friends) has so many silly rules on how, when, and what to text back. Personally, it’s getting ridiculous.
So I’m just going to tell you how to have a conversation.
Actually having a conversation, or the exchange of words between two people, is easy. Remember that it’s okay to begin with that basic hello? Well, I’m telling you again that it is! If you don’t want to go the short salutation route, you can also give a compliment, ask a question, tell a joke, or make a comment that piqued your interest (i.e. you see a Cubs hat, you can say something like “Go Cubs go!” to show you’re a fan of sportsball). If you’re online, you have a whole profile in front of you to gather inspiration from. If you’re IRL, you can get a little more creative drawing back to prior conversations or by asking a simple “how was your day?” If you’re still stumped, you’re a human that contains multitudes (I hope). Share a little bit about yourself.* Once you get flowing, the content should flow if both parties are into it enough to keep it going. Remember to tell a joke here and there, people love jokes. So, here’s where I tell that conversation is more than the words.
*Now about that asterisk
Good conversations are about the dance between the two people involved. And like most dancing, there’s a lot of steps involved. Are you intrigued to learn more? Are you having a good time? Are you both asking questions? Are you both being present listening to eachother? It’s all about balance, baby! Frequently, a lot of conversations (and new relationships!) seem really one-sided. I check for balance with my 3 question rule. If I find myself asking 3 questions without one in return, it raises a red flag and tells me they’re not caring enough to ask about me and my life. But also, on the flip side, are they asking you questions and you haven’t responded in kind? Curiosity is key and about that back and forth banter…is it getting hot in here?
(Now, I do understand that people sometimes get nervous and talk a lot of to fill the blanks, but you could usually tell when they’re a decent human. If you feel like they’re not, SOS!)
It’s more about feeling.
The most important question you could ask yourself, “how are you feeling?” when talking to this newfound crush. You’re putting yourself out there and that’s brave. “You could do hard things” – that motivational poster on the wall. But I also know you’re feeling all the feelings! Listen to your gut it tells you all you need to know. If you’re feeling excited and secure with how things are going, congrats! This person responds timely, keeps conversation going, genuinely cares, and is thoughtful enough to show up for you and your needs. These are all positive signs–and you found a diamond in the rough! On the flip side, are you flat out feeling stressed? If you answered yes, stop what you’re doing. It’s not worth it. This person probably subscribes to the “pretend you’re busy and wait a certain amount of time so you don’t show too much interest” rule of thumb to keep you on your toes. That’s toxic. If you find yourself planning when you’re sending your responses, you’re playing the game. You deserve someone who will respect you, have decency to respond, and at the very least tell you when they’re busy. These are the real MVPs that don’t keep you guessin’. Life’s too short to waste your time feeling confused. Communicate and move on!
The person that you’re talking to should make you feel comfy enough to open a convo anytime, and dare I say—double texting should feel okay too! Hitting them with a random FaceTime is for the brave, but kudos to you if you do it. If you have something to say, just say it. And say it when you feel it. It’s as easy as that. If the person is your person, they want to hear from you and will enjoy your quirks. And if you’re starting to feel weird, it’s probably getting weird. And whatever you do, don’t send a sea of blue…or green, I love still you Android people.
xoxo,
c
Here’s my fave song of the week: Bikini Porn by Tove Lo
