My closest friends know Iāve never been the biggest drinker. (Even at a Big 10 school in college, I really didnāt drink that much!). So I quit drinking for about a year mostly for health reasons and I ended up learning some stuff about the sober-curious dating culture.
::Enter my experience dating without drinking::
There were two approaches I took before going on dates:
1. The āhey, Iām not drinkingā ahead of time Approach:
With this approach, Iād have the normal run-of-the-mill conversation and when we were making a plan and Iād mention āhey, Iām not drinking!ā to use that as a vibe check for their thoughts and feelings regarding drinking before the date. Sometimes theyād offer suggestions about other things to do (and that little extra effort when an activity is suggested is a green flag!). If they didnāt bring up another plan, Iād say āIām totally down to hang at a bar, thereās other things to drink.ā ā¦because people forget that delicious things like Diet Coke and mocktails exist.
Because I went on a lot of bar dates probably lead to the next itemā¦
2. The Iām-going-to-wait-until-Iām-on-a-date-and-not-order-alcohol Approach:
When I realized going to bars is the standard deviation for a first dates, I decided to shake things up and wait until the actual date itself. Remember what I said that those delicious non-alcoholic options? I drank just that. When we were ordering, Iād just say what I wanted confidently. I didnāt have to explain yourself, and then only time I did is when I was asked.
btw Diet Coke is SO good with lemon!
Here are some takeaways from my ~year of not drinking.
People arenāt that creative with first dates (and thatās OK!): When planning, a lot of people would say āWhat else is there to do?ā and youād quickly realize that most people arenāt creative nor thoughtful enough to think of anything else. Did people forget that you can eat instead? Yesābut they probably thought dinner is a tad more serious of a first date. Did they also forget you could grab coffee/walk/go to a museum/grab ice-cream/literally anything else that doesnāt involve putting alcohol in your mouth? Also, yes. Truth be told whether you like it or not, most dates = drink dates. Theyāre an easy date for a first date with a stranger and because youāre really trying to get good conversation going as a read of whether you want to see them againāI canāt blame most people for defaulting to drinks! While creativity is appreciated, most people donāt have it in them. Shoutout to a certain someone who planned a pie and coffee date. If youāre reading this, way to go.
People think alcohol makes you more fun: Look, I get it, we as a culture really celebrate losing our inhibitions A LOT surrounding drinking. It makes you loosen up and you know Iāve heard āif you donāt drink you probably donāt like fun!ā numerous times from a variety of people. While loosening up may be true, the latter here about not liking fun is wrong. Some people CAN hang, and Iām just that type of person that can hang anywhere with anyone. I got a lot of of āwow, you actually have a personality!ā comments with the aside that they āneed alcohol for [their] personality to come out.ā You donāt need alcohol (or literally anything!) to become more fun, you just need to be more comfortable with yourself and being yourself.
People are a little insecure if you donāt drink: A lot of people arenāt comfortable with the idea of one person drinking and the other person not drinkingāeven if I gave them the heads up ahead of time and the amount of times that I even said āIām OK and itās really OK if you drink!ā Many people would point out āWell, I feel weird drinking around you!āāno, no, noāyou just made this weird for pointing it out and now I feel weird! If you have the need to say that on a date, try getting more comfy with the fact that some people simply donāt want alcohol.
A lot of people think you had a past drinking problem: The amount of ::hush hush:: sounding āis this OK?ā and shifty eye glances I got were plentiful as my dates started sipping their drinks. This shouldnāt be the first assumption automatically, there are a variety of reasons people quit and/or donāt drink. Donāt always assume the worst in people.
I felt like I was making my date more comfortable with the fact that I wasnāt drinking vs the other way around: It was very clear that a lot of people canāt handle someone who doesnāt drink. Not that I expected someone making me feel like I was right at home, but I didnāt expect that I had to make dates feel comfy that I wasnāt drinking by proving that I was cool enough to hang. I think I went in with expectations that weāre all adults and we can make our own decisions with how we lead our life, but it doesnāt seem like the case for most.
Mocktails, for the most part, are really bad and just glorified juice. There I said it.
If youāre on a date with someone who doesnāt drink, here are some nice things you can do:
Plan a date that doesnāt center around alcohol. Hereās a list of ideas. If youāre still stumped, make sure the bar youāre going to has snacks and mocktails.
If you want to ask why your date isnāt drinking, ask it gracefully. Hit them with a āhey, totally coolābut may I ask why you donāt drink?ā Itās the nicest way. If theyāre not ready to talk about it, donāt push it. Resume normal conversation.
Act normally. The person that youāre on a date with wants to be there. If you make it weird. Itāll feel weird.
If drinking is a dealbreaker and you truly canāt handle, just ask your date ahead of time before you waste either of your time.
If you think itās cool that your date isnāt drinking, tell them! Theyāre probably a little self-conscious since theyāve probably encountered a lot weirdness surrounding trying to stay sober.
Aaaand about todayā¦
I drink again!
My current drinking vibe is as follows:
Iām cool with drinking a wine or crafty cute cocktail here and thereā¦and yes, I if I want a shot of tequila or even want to have have a random wgw occasion (being a lightweight helps)āthatās okay too. The core of it all is that drinking has to feel ::worth it to me::. What does being āworth itā mean? I need to be with good company and it has to be delicious (sorry vodka sodas donāt do it for me). So I drink when my drink vibe is met. And sometimes I donāt drink tooāit just depends how Iām feeling. I donāt judge nor should the person youāre with. Iām comfy and confident with my decision to drink or not to drinkāand you should be too!
Song of the week isnāt ::that:: kinda shots, but the song that I keep improving my mile running with (ha!):
xoxo,
c
As someone who rarely drinks, I appreciate this article. It applies when catching up with friends or new acquaintances. In Seattle many bars and restaurants have really thoughtful non-alcoholic and alcohol options. My go-to option is to order a Sprite with a shot of lime juice and bitters. A great alternative to a cocktail! I know there's some alcohol in the bitters, but I'm okay with that.