My closest friends know I’ve never been the biggest drinker. (Even at a Big 10 school in college, I really didn’t drink that much!). So I quit drinking for about a year mostly for health reasons and I ended up learning some stuff about the sober-curious dating culture.
::Enter my experience dating without drinking::
There were two approaches I took before going on dates:
1. The “hey, I’m not drinking” ahead of time Approach:
With this approach, I’d have the normal run-of-the-mill conversation and when we were making a plan and I’d mention “hey, I’m not drinking!” to use that as a vibe check for their thoughts and feelings regarding drinking before the date. Sometimes they’d offer suggestions about other things to do (and that little extra effort when an activity is suggested is a green flag!). If they didn’t bring up another plan, I’d say “I’m totally down to hang at a bar, there’s other things to drink.” …because people forget that delicious things like Diet Coke and mocktails exist.
Because I went on a lot of bar dates probably lead to the next item…
2. The I’m-going-to-wait-until-I’m-on-a-date-and-not-order-alcohol Approach:
When I realized going to bars is the standard deviation for a first dates, I decided to shake things up and wait until the actual date itself. Remember what I said that those delicious non-alcoholic options? I drank just that. When we were ordering, I’d just say what I wanted confidently. I didn’t have to explain yourself, and then only time I did is when I was asked.
btw Diet Coke is SO good with lemon!
Here are some takeaways from my ~year of not drinking.
People aren’t that creative with first dates (and that’s OK!): When planning, a lot of people would say “What else is there to do?” and you’d quickly realize that most people aren’t creative nor thoughtful enough to think of anything else. Did people forget that you can eat instead? Yes–but they probably thought dinner is a tad more serious of a first date. Did they also forget you could grab coffee/walk/go to a museum/grab ice-cream/literally anything else that doesn’t involve putting alcohol in your mouth? Also, yes. Truth be told whether you like it or not, most dates = drink dates. They’re an easy date for a first date with a stranger and because you’re really trying to get good conversation going as a read of whether you want to see them again–I can’t blame most people for defaulting to drinks! While creativity is appreciated, most people don’t have it in them. Shoutout to a certain someone who planned a pie and coffee date. If you’re reading this, way to go.
People think alcohol makes you more fun: Look, I get it, we as a culture really celebrate losing our inhibitions A LOT surrounding drinking. It makes you loosen up and you know I’ve heard “if you don’t drink you probably don’t like fun!” numerous times from a variety of people. While loosening up may be true, the latter here about not liking fun is wrong. Some people CAN hang, and I’m just that type of person that can hang anywhere with anyone. I got a lot of of “wow, you actually have a personality!” comments with the aside that they “need alcohol for [their] personality to come out.” You don’t need alcohol (or literally anything!) to become more fun, you just need to be more comfortable with yourself and being yourself.
People are a little insecure if you don’t drink: A lot of people aren’t comfortable with the idea of one person drinking and the other person not drinking–even if I gave them the heads up ahead of time and the amount of times that I even said “I’m OK and it’s really OK if you drink!” Many people would point out “Well, I feel weird drinking around you!”–no, no, no–you just made this weird for pointing it out and now I feel weird! If you have the need to say that on a date, try getting more comfy with the fact that some people simply don’t want alcohol.
A lot of people think you had a past drinking problem: The amount of ::hush hush:: sounding “is this OK?” and shifty eye glances I got were plentiful as my dates started sipping their drinks. This shouldn’t be the first assumption automatically, there are a variety of reasons people quit and/or don’t drink. Don’t always assume the worst in people.
I felt like I was making my date more comfortable with the fact that I wasn’t drinking vs the other way around: It was very clear that a lot of people can’t handle someone who doesn’t drink. Not that I expected someone making me feel like I was right at home, but I didn’t expect that I had to make dates feel comfy that I wasn’t drinking by proving that I was cool enough to hang. I think I went in with expectations that we’re all adults and we can make our own decisions with how we lead our life, but it doesn’t seem like the case for most.
Mocktails, for the most part, are really bad and just glorified juice. There I said it.
If you’re on a date with someone who doesn’t drink, here are some nice things you can do:
Plan a date that doesn’t center around alcohol. Here’s a list of ideas. If you’re still stumped, make sure the bar you’re going to has snacks and mocktails.
If you want to ask why your date isn’t drinking, ask it gracefully. Hit them with a “hey, totally cool–but may I ask why you don’t drink?” It’s the nicest way. If they’re not ready to talk about it, don’t push it. Resume normal conversation.
Act normally. The person that you’re on a date with wants to be there. If you make it weird. It’ll feel weird.
If drinking is a dealbreaker and you truly can’t handle, just ask your date ahead of time before you waste either of your time.
If you think it’s cool that your date isn’t drinking, tell them! They’re probably a little self-conscious since they’ve probably encountered a lot weirdness surrounding trying to stay sober.
Aaaand about today…
I drink again!
My current drinking vibe is as follows:
I’m cool with drinking a wine or crafty cute cocktail here and there…and yes, I if I want a shot of tequila or even want to have have a random wgw occasion (being a lightweight helps)–that’s okay too. The core of it all is that drinking has to feel ::worth it to me::. What does being “worth it” mean? I need to be with good company and it has to be delicious (sorry vodka sodas don’t do it for me). So I drink when my drink vibe is met. And sometimes I don’t drink too–it just depends how I’m feeling. I don’t judge nor should the person you’re with. I’m comfy and confident with my decision to drink or not to drink–and you should be too!
Song of the week isn’t ::that:: kinda shots, but the song that I keep improving my mile running with (ha!):
xoxo,
c
As someone who rarely drinks, I appreciate this article. It applies when catching up with friends or new acquaintances. In Seattle many bars and restaurants have really thoughtful non-alcoholic and alcohol options. My go-to option is to order a Sprite with a shot of lime juice and bitters. A great alternative to a cocktail! I know there's some alcohol in the bitters, but I'm okay with that.