The other day my friend and I went on a double date and we learned A LOT about each other. Leading up to the date, we had some light insights about how we approach dating. We came out with some lessons about each other’s dating styles!
Me: usually dates around my age (and even younger!), gives people a chance, doesn’t really time box things when it comes to responding, not afraid to double text, very open to meeting new people even if they don’t check all the boxes, knows that IRL experiences are going to show me who they really are.
My friend (Jen!): dates her age and older than her, filters heavily, discounts people quickly if they don’t respond quick enough or meet every standard. She’ll block liberally if anything remotely disgusts her (the ick is real!) and she limits the dates she goes on.
The Date Recap
Prior to the date, we were thrown into a group chat full of witty banter and lemme tell you, the vibes were off IRL. We went for a walk around the hills of Ft. Greene Park and somehow we continued our hangs sipping lemonades and teas on a porch a few blocks away. While the conversation didn’t feel like our normal selves, I kept thinking to myself “it’s hard enough to get out of a date with one person you’re not into but it’s twice as hard on a double date!” We quickly drank our drinks and scurried away back to the initial place where we wanted to meet at and had a lovely dinner.
Pictured: the date that really mattered ^ aka friendship is the best ship
Soooooo after this date we really unpacked WHO we are as daters and discovered HOW we actually go about our dating lives.
Me: dates for the journey. I’m here for the experience and the stories that come out of it. Yes, I hope that something great will happen and I might want to spend more time with that person–but do I count on it? No. While I do filter, I’m a bit more liberal with who I meet because I’m here for the fun of dating and open to the many possibilities.
My friend: dates for the outcome. She’s here with a clear vision of what she hopes to find, and she’s less interested in trial-and-error. She filters heavily before meeting people and prizes clear communication about goals and desires. Getting to know someone happens after knowing that they’re already aligned on values and dealbreakers.
One type of dating isn’t better than the other and they both should be celebrated for completely different reasons. Journey focused daters should be recognized for their “we’ll see” mentality to feel out if a potential vibe is there. Surprising things happen when you go out with people you “take a chance on.” You might learn that your usual go-to isn’t your type or someone that usually isn’t your go-to actually is your type. It’s the beauty of being open to explore, testing things out, and learning more and more about yourself (and others!)and your wants and needs along the way.
On the flip side, outcome focused daters are acknowledged for knowing what they want. While it may seem rigid to date this way, these daters are very focused on having their wants and needs met without wasting any time. It guarantees that your bar isn’t lowered and you’re not settling for less that what you believe you deserve.
What do we think?
We need a healthy mix of us. I could filter a little more and my friend could give people a few more opportunities to go on dates with her. The perfect mix of quality and quantity is somewhere in this formula. But in the end with both of our approaches, there’s always going to be problems with the people we date. So it’s more about how much we’re willing to compromise when we commit. If you’re going to pick someone, pick someone you’ll have good problems with or someone you could work with a little bit (since all your boxes aren’t going to be checked). That’s probably the key to relationships.
Song of the week…(or honestly of Summer!)
xoxo,
c
